Hmmmmm.  Tough night.

Guilt over #4's burn.  No idea how or even when he did it.  Had to be while I was cooking dinner.  I'm guessing it was while I was trying to pee with the door shut....It's about 3" long up his left wrist, and he never made a sound.  We didn't even notice it until at least 20 minutes after it happened.  It had already scabbed over and I never knew it was there.  When I first saw it, I thought he had written on himself with a marker.

And having to come to grips with the fact that J's JOB will always trump my career.  I have several big job opportunities at good companies.  That pay more than I made at my last job.  And twice what he makes.  Yet he just plain refuses to consider them because he doesn't want to move and because he feels guilty leaving the family business.  The family business that hasn't done squat for us.  That I wouldn't encourage my children to work at ever.  When my UE runs out, we're going to be so close on paying all our bills that I will likely get to go apply for food stamps.  We were eligible with only 2 kids....so we're way over with 4.  And WIC.  Both boys are eligible to get that.  And going through 7 gallons of milk, 2 dozen eggs, 3 loaves of bread, and $35 worth of fruit EVERY WEEK....well, WIC would definitely help.  (I'm pretty sure it won't cover the fruit, but even if it helps with the rest, it would be huge.) 

It's just hard knowing that it doesn't matter what education I have.  It doesn't matter what ambition I have.  All that matters is that I fell in love with and married a man who refuses to move and has zero ambition. 

Can't wait to attempt explaining this one to my girls.....:(  Hard to tell them they can do anything, be anything, and that they have choices, when I so obviously do not.  It would be one thing if I was CHOOSING to stay at home.  But they both know I'm looking for a job.  They both know how me working affects their life.  (Not much honestly other than materially....because my mom FT nannies for us, their life is really not affected much.  The only thing that changes for them is who picks them up from school and supervises homework time.)

So now what do I do?  Give up the job search that was finally yielding results?  Or attempt to find one within the hour commute?  (That wasn't going well...that's what I was doing for the previous 6.5 months.)  I have 17 weeks of UE left.  Unfortunately we have 7 months of van payments left and 3 months of student loan payments.  Then we're down to just the house.  It just really upsets me.  3 months ago, I specifically asked him "We need to talk about what would happen if I SAH.  Or if I should."  His response?  "It would dramatically change our life, and I'm not sure that you should."  So.....he doesn't want me to SAH because it would seriously alter the lifestyle to which he is accustomed.  But he refuses to consider some of the best jobs I could get.  [Yes, he would likely be a SAHD for most of these positions...especially if we had to move.]

And there we are.